My Final Effort at Trying to Look Forward to Christmas

•December 23, 2012 • Leave a Comment
Christmas

Christmas

Ok, so there’s nothing particularly bad about Christmas day itself. This post is purely aimed at the irritating build up that I’ve experienced this year. As proof that I’m not completely void of Christmas cheer, the above shows me enjoying festivities to the extent that I’m almost smiling.

Christmas Cards 

I’ve never really understood the point of Christmas Cards. They make sense as a way of reminding old acquaintances that we haven’t forgotten about them at a truly joyous time of year, but I don’t understand the need for them for close family members. People I see every day. People who I will be issuing a face-to-face Christmas greeting to on the day itself. In this instance, cards are pointless. Nevertheless, to avoid the risk of being labelled ‘unthoughtful’, I recently found myself buying Christmas cards for my Mum and Dad.

The first problem I have with cards is the image on the front. In recent times, more and more objects that have no relevance to Christmas seem to find their way onto cards, turned ‘Christmassy’ by putting a Santa hat on it, or having it standing in some snow. I’ve made a useful list for any prospective Christmas Card buyers, so they can be aware of what makes a card relevant.

Acceptable Christmas Card Images

  • Santa
  • Christmas Tree
  • Biblical Scenes
  • Stockings
  • Presents

Unacceptable Christmas Card Images

  • Random animals with Santa hats on
  • Random buildings in snow
  • A letterbox

Two examples of unacceptable Christmas Cards that I have received this year.

A gingerbread man holding a present is still a normal gingerbread man, available all year round.

A gingerbread man holding a present is still a normal gingerbread man, available all year round.

Letterboxes have no relevance to Christmas regardless of how much snow it is surrounded by.

Letterboxes have no relevance to Christmas regardless of how much snow it is surrounded by.

The second problem I have with Christmas Cards is the pre-typed messages that are written inside. Apparently writing ‘To Mum’ above the pre-typed message and ‘Love From Daniel’ beneath the pre-typed message requires no effort and a lack of imagination. I should instead also write my own personal message inside the card. The problem is that the pre-typed message usually fulfills all available options, so I end up replicating the message. Most of my Christmas cards therefore read like this:

To Mum,

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Merry Christmas.

Love Daniel.

Another thing I’ve noticed this year is the trend in which some people put things inside the cards they send. No not money. I’m talking about things like glitter, sequins and tiny paper stars. Although seemingly a fun and festive addition to the card process, I remember a simpler time when the opening of Christmas cards didn’t precede several minutes of hoovering.

Decorations

This year at work a convenient break in my workload coincided with the first Monday of December – the day the office decorations are put up – which I quickly learnt was entirely inconvenient. Unwillingly nominated as Christmas decorater, I went to retrieve the box of aged decorations from the back of an unused cupboard, before discarding them all and deciding that a sole tree would satisfy the instruction of “Make the Office look really Christmassy”. 30 seconds later I declared office decorating to be complete, and I went to the kitchen to make a 6th coffee of the day. Unfortunately though “Simply leaning the tree against the wall does not count as putting up the decorations”

"Simply leaning the tree against the wall does not count as putting up the decorations."

“Simply leaning the tree against the wall does not count as putting up the decorations.”

I was then told by my manager that as well as the tree, random office items of my choice should be wrapped in tinsel aswell. So at the nearest opportunity involving her vacant desk, I took to mummifying most of her equipment in tinsel. The two photo’s here don’t entirely do the decorating justice, since spray adhesive doesn’t appear to be picked up by the camera.

Telephone

Telephone

Computer

Computer

Merry Christmas

I genuinely started this post with several ideas to write moan about. However, due to a few accompanying beers my mind has quickly gone blank. To keep this topical I really need to publish this tonight so regrettably this has become the finished article. Oh no. I’ve just had a thought. It couldn’t possibly be that the lack of ideas to moan about is simply because there aren’t any? I’m not actually looking forward to Christmas am I? Well friends, I should quickly conclude. On behalf of myself, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, Love Daniel.

The Origins of Fears

•November 22, 2012 • Leave a Comment

Tonight I stayed in and shamelessly watched an episode of “I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here”. For those that are unaware of this program it’s a reality show based in an Australian Jungle, which contrary to the title includes no celebrities that unfortunately stay in there for quite a while.

Ok…so there are some recognisable celebrities, but that’s not the point of this post. During an episode, mundane viewers at home can vote for their choice of celebrity participant to endure horrendous experiences which involve various jungle things (heights, insects, darkness) that will scare them. It was after one such moment that one of the participants said the following phrase:

“I’ve always been terrified of heights, I can’t remember when exactly this happened but I’ve always been scared”.

This got me thinking about all the irrational fears that I myself have, and in contrast to this unknown celebrity, I can remember exactly how I became afraid of them all.

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Why I won’t be getting a pay rise #91

•November 17, 2012 • 1 Comment

Over the last few weeks I’ve been somewhat of a loose cannon at work. Unmotivated by an unfulilled pay-rise promise, I’ve since complained about the kitchen, joked around with staff suggestions and regularly turned up late. Another entry into the increasingly long list of reasons my pay-rise is slipping away, occured earlier today. And it may just be the best of the lot…

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Office Suggestion Box – a foolproof system

•November 8, 2012 • Leave a Comment

A few weeks ago the cleaner at work took a break from her usual daily routine of informing everyone of her daughters ballet progress, to instead perform her annual clean of the kitchen. Among her inadvertent findings (including a set mouse trap, mouldy bread and an expired boiler safety certificate) was a cardboard box with the words “Staff Suggestions” scrawled onto it. Inside of this was an ignored and forgotten suggestion, which dated back to July 2009, a few weeks before I had started working there.

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“Trick or Treat” v “I don’t like sweets anyway”

•October 30, 2012 • Leave a Comment

When I was growing up in central England I was taught that the demanding of treats or gifts, accompanied by a threat, was commonly known as ‘mugging’. However, due to a combination of consumerism, greedy children and American influence, once a year this is now acceptably known as ‘Halloween’.

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I Prefer Shopping in Darkness

•October 25, 2012 • Leave a Comment

As a general rule, I don’t like many things that involve walking. Combine this with carrying heavy bags and being surrounded by the general public and there was never a chance that I’d enjoy shopping. Despite this, earlier today I found myself reluctantly driving towards a shopping centre, lured in by the false promise of “don’t worry, we’ll stop for beers”.

I usually do my shopping online. This way I ultimately end up with the same purchases, but with the added perks of being able to do this in pyjamas, unwashed and at any time I want. If I ever feel that I’m missing out on the ‘true shopping experience’ then I always have the option of inviting strangers into my house to intermittently nudge past me without apologizing. One or two can also bring their screaming children.

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Urgent Appeal: Help a Young Adult get Access to Clean Water

•October 22, 2012 • 2 Comments

There are many things that annoy me about work. Notably my colleagues.

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